Trying to shed my shell...
Feb. 5th, 2010 08:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sublimatedangel...and be a little less of a hermit. Seriously, I miss people so much.
So, it's been ah... almost two months since I posted. Does anyone even remember who I am at this point? Kidding.... mostly. It's been an unprecedented kind of time for me. Lots of good things, but it was kind of like having sparkly pretty bubbles float by... when you're drowning. I got enough of them (thanks to the wonderful people in my life) to keep breathing, but it really isn't something I want to go through again, and hopefully won't have to for a long, long time.
I've spent so much of my life with this innate denial of vulnerability, this projection of "Everything's fine, nothing to see here, move along"; it's really only been in the last few years that I've started admitting when things are not wonderful... and I'm still not really sure that that kind of emotional honesty is working for me. It's probably healthier, so I'm trying to hang on to it, but... I dunno. It's still kinda weird and foreign.
Anyway! So, Christmas was better than I thought it would be. My stepdad actually dressed up as Santa during the Littlefield gathering, which was sixteen kinds of awesome and the kids loved it. I found some common ground with my least-liked cousin (she's a cloth diapering mommy!) so that was kind of cool. Mostly, I spent December counting down for 2009 to be over, but I tried to keep my that from ruining the good things.
Health! I just got my thyroid medication upped, and am feeling much better as a result. When depressed in the middle of winter with a young baby who doesn't really like to sleep, it's kinda hard to recognize the symptoms, but it is a relief to feel that at least some of what I was going through was just body chemistry. In positive news, I'm down to a size 10, which feels pretty fantastic. I'd like to lose just a leetle bit more, but even if that doesn't happen, I'm really pleased with the progress I've made (and re-made, post baby) and it's one of the few things I feel good about on a regular basis. Since my self-image is otherwise at a very low point these days, it's a much needed boost.
Ryan! My baby is a handful. He's finally stopped growing like kudzu and may actually get to wear some of his clothing for a decent amount of time. He's utterly entranced by people eating food - apples are possibly the most mesmerizing thing in existence - and really eager to be in control of his own feeding. He has zero interest in crawling, though, which is a prerequisite. He's up to six teeth now, and puts things in his mouth the way babies do, which is to say constantly. Alex never really did that, so it's new for me. He also delights in biting and pulling out hair... hush, I know you're jealous. Still adore him anyways, because I'm a crazy mommy type, and am utterly charmed into forgiving all his foibles. He's a super cutie in public, so can't complain much.
Alex! Is still a pretty awesome big brother. He loves being the center of attention, and Ryan can't get enough of watching him, so it works pretty well. We're starting to see eensy bits of jealousy (talking about himself to strangers that come up to coo at Ryan, wanting to play with Ry's toys) but mostly we're dealing with his own issues. He has a hard time staying focused (in school and at home) some days, still has some communication issues. We're also dealing with bathroom accidents, which isn't fun but he hides/lies about it which is the real issue for us, and one we're having a hard time solving. Hard to figure out what's going on because we can't really get him to talk about it... could be a behavioral thing, a way of looking for attention... or could just be being a five year old boy who doesn't always pay attention to his body's cues. He is otherwise a great kiddo - funny and creative and sweet as always.
Will attempt to do some more updating this week, and catch up on all my friends here. Love to you all - I know I've been out of touch for... a really long time.
So, it's been ah... almost two months since I posted. Does anyone even remember who I am at this point? Kidding.... mostly. It's been an unprecedented kind of time for me. Lots of good things, but it was kind of like having sparkly pretty bubbles float by... when you're drowning. I got enough of them (thanks to the wonderful people in my life) to keep breathing, but it really isn't something I want to go through again, and hopefully won't have to for a long, long time.
I've spent so much of my life with this innate denial of vulnerability, this projection of "Everything's fine, nothing to see here, move along"; it's really only been in the last few years that I've started admitting when things are not wonderful... and I'm still not really sure that that kind of emotional honesty is working for me. It's probably healthier, so I'm trying to hang on to it, but... I dunno. It's still kinda weird and foreign.
Anyway! So, Christmas was better than I thought it would be. My stepdad actually dressed up as Santa during the Littlefield gathering, which was sixteen kinds of awesome and the kids loved it. I found some common ground with my least-liked cousin (she's a cloth diapering mommy!) so that was kind of cool. Mostly, I spent December counting down for 2009 to be over, but I tried to keep my that from ruining the good things.
Health! I just got my thyroid medication upped, and am feeling much better as a result. When depressed in the middle of winter with a young baby who doesn't really like to sleep, it's kinda hard to recognize the symptoms, but it is a relief to feel that at least some of what I was going through was just body chemistry. In positive news, I'm down to a size 10, which feels pretty fantastic. I'd like to lose just a leetle bit more, but even if that doesn't happen, I'm really pleased with the progress I've made (and re-made, post baby) and it's one of the few things I feel good about on a regular basis. Since my self-image is otherwise at a very low point these days, it's a much needed boost.
Ryan! My baby is a handful. He's finally stopped growing like kudzu and may actually get to wear some of his clothing for a decent amount of time. He's utterly entranced by people eating food - apples are possibly the most mesmerizing thing in existence - and really eager to be in control of his own feeding. He has zero interest in crawling, though, which is a prerequisite. He's up to six teeth now, and puts things in his mouth the way babies do, which is to say constantly. Alex never really did that, so it's new for me. He also delights in biting and pulling out hair... hush, I know you're jealous. Still adore him anyways, because I'm a crazy mommy type, and am utterly charmed into forgiving all his foibles. He's a super cutie in public, so can't complain much.
Alex! Is still a pretty awesome big brother. He loves being the center of attention, and Ryan can't get enough of watching him, so it works pretty well. We're starting to see eensy bits of jealousy (talking about himself to strangers that come up to coo at Ryan, wanting to play with Ry's toys) but mostly we're dealing with his own issues. He has a hard time staying focused (in school and at home) some days, still has some communication issues. We're also dealing with bathroom accidents, which isn't fun but he hides/lies about it which is the real issue for us, and one we're having a hard time solving. Hard to figure out what's going on because we can't really get him to talk about it... could be a behavioral thing, a way of looking for attention... or could just be being a five year old boy who doesn't always pay attention to his body's cues. He is otherwise a great kiddo - funny and creative and sweet as always.
Will attempt to do some more updating this week, and catch up on all my friends here. Love to you all - I know I've been out of touch for... a really long time.
